(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
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Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert