Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
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If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.