I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
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I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)