My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
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No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.