What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
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my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”