Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
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“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken