FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
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You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
They did not miss in the small print
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.