Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
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I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.