Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
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I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
My what?
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”