Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
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PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
i love meeting boys on tinder
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?