Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
You Might Also Like
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Meanwhile in Canada…
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.