Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
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My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
crochet youtube is brutal
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?