Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
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Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Me when my alarm goes off
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Seems legit
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.