me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
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Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!