Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
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I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
just pretend nothing happened