Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
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I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I’m not lazy
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me