I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
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Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
my mom making me talk to relatives
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Yup!
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.