If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
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me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
#JohnTravolta
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.