Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
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I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Very good news from my accountant
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.