Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
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you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”