“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
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Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?