me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
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“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”