Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
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My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun