I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
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CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.