Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
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Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”