I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
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i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
He wanted to make sure😂
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.