Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
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Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Why am I like this?