I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
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A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.