god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
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Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Only a mother’s love …
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.