i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
You Might Also Like
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
everyone’s a critic
A great tip. #CakeRex
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate