Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
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What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
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