Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
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teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
oh my gosh!!
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”