[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
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everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Omg 🤣
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
My favorite farside!!
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.