Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
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my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.