[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
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My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.