According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
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Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I cannot call her anything else now
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.