When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
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Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Ferrari squats
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.