Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
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I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
spot the difference
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
🤣
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.