A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
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Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage