I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
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*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
drew a comic about my origin story
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.