Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
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I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Not today
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires