I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
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Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.