I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
necessity is the mother of invention
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?