6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
You Might Also Like
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people