wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
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Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
🐕🍷
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Every time.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.