Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
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well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
groan^2
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one