People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
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Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”