“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
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Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
The internet is full of many things
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.