When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
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How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
The “baby” on the left….
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Wait for it
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch