Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
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I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
You sure about that?
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.